As parents, we want the best for our kids. We want them to feel loved, safe, and supported. However, sometimes our well-meaning efforts to make life easier can inadvertently make it harder for them in the long run.
I see it all the time in my work with children and families. Kids who are bright, kind, and creative, but who struggle when things don’t go their way or when they have to solve a problem on their own. It’s not because they can’t. It’s because they haven’t had enough chances to practice.
At Butterfly Beginnings, we utilize a framework called the Crucial Cs to help children and parents thrive. Developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner, the Crucial Cs are four core beliefs every child needs to develop:
- Connect: I belong and am loved.
- Capable: I can accomplish tasks and handle challenges effectively.
- Count: I make a difference and have value.
- Courage: I can try even when it’s hard.
When these four Cs are nurtured, children grow into resilient, confident, and compassionate adults. However, when they’re unintentionally blocked, kids may become more dependent, anxious, or uncertain about themselves.
Here are a few everyday parenting habits that can hinder kids’ growth into confident and independent individuals, along with simple ways to turn things around.
1. Solving Problems for Kids Instead of Coaching Them
When kids struggle, it’s natural to want to jump in and fix things. But if we always solve their problems, they miss out on learning that they can figure things out.
Try this:
Next time your child gets frustrated, pause before stepping in. Ask, “What do you think you could try next?” or “How can I support you?” This builds the Crucial C of Capable and shows them you believe in their ability to handle challenges.
2. Overpraising Instead of Encouraging
We love to cheer our kids on, but “Good job!” only goes so far. Praise focuses on the outcome (“You’re so smart!”), while encouragement focuses on the process (“You worked really hard on that puzzle”).
Try this:
Use language that highlights effort and growth. “You kept going, even when it was tricky!” helps your child feel Capable and that their effort Counts.
3. Protecting Kids from Natural Consequences
If your child forgets their homework or leaves their jacket behind, it’s tempting to swoop in. But rescuing too often sends the message that mistakes are something to fear.
Try this:
Let small, safe mistakes happen. Afterward, talk through what they learned: “What could you do differently next time?” This builds Courage and accountability.
4. Filling Every Minute of the Day
Between sports, lessons, and schoolwork, kids often have little time just to be. When every moment is scheduled, they miss out on the creativity, imagination, and calm that come from unstructured play.
Try this:
Protect downtime. Let your child be bored sometimes. Boredom is the birthplace of creativity. These quiet moments strengthen Connect and Count, helping your child tune in to themselves and others.
5. Managing Their Emotions for Them
When a child cries, yells, or melts down, our instinct is to stop the discomfort. But jumping in too quickly can teach them that big feelings are unsafe.
Try this:
Stay calm and validate what they feel. “That was really disappointing. I get it.”
When we co-regulate by staying steady while they ride the wave, we help kids learn that emotions come and go, and that they are safe to feel. This builds Connect and Courage.
6. Doing For Instead of Doing With
It’s faster to pack the backpack, clean the room, or set the table ourselves. But when kids never get to try, they never get to believe, “I can do this.”
Try this:
Invite them in. “Let’s do this together” gives kids a sense of ownership and accomplishment. It builds the Crucial C of Capable, and shared tasks often strengthen Connection too.
7. Avoiding All Discomfort
No parent likes to see their child struggle. But shielding them from every hard moment robs them of the chance to build confidence in their ability to cope.
Try this:
Normalize challenges. Say, “It’s okay to be nervous. You can handle this.” Then celebrate effort, not just success. “You kept trying, even though it was hard,” reinforces Courage and resilience.
The Bottom Line
Parenting isn’t about doing everything right. It’s about helping our kids grow into confident, kind, and capable people. Every small moment you give your child a chance to Connect, feel Capable, know they Count, and find their Courage is an investment in their future independence. If you’d like more tools to raise resilient, emotionally aware kids, check out our free Meltdown Manual or join our Tantrums to Talking program. Both are designed to help parents build connections through play and positive discipline.